Giving Thanks

On Thanksgiving Day 2005, my sister Rhonda ripped me a new one. She had had it up to here with me. I had no idea it was coming. In the moment, I was equally stunned and hurt. Everything she said to me that afternoon, I had heard before. But the angry, hateful tone had never been directed at me. Until it was. On Thanksgiving Day.

I've thought about that day a lot since then, especially when Turkey Day draws near. I've thought about how she hurt me and what I have felt since then. Only recently have I thought about what Rhonda was going through. Right now, Rhonda may or may not be dying. (My mom says, "Everyone is dying," as a way of not discussing it with me.) Add that to having another birthday and you can see why I'm feeling sentimental about family.

Rhonda picked two duds for husbands/fathers of her four children. She stayed with the last one way beyond the expiration date. In her so far 25 years of motherhood, she didn't appear to be enjoying it. I'm sure it wasn't ALL bad and I know she had moments when she was happy. But they were overshadowed, to me, by her apathy, frustration, and unhappiness.

Lately, as her health has diminished and her weight is under 100, I feel sad. I'm sad for her that she didn't enjoy her life. I'm sad that she is has all four children (2 adults/2 minors) and two grandchildren living with her instead of coming to visit on occasion. I'm sad, that for sisters who are only 10-1/2 months apart in age, we are not close. I'm sad for her and I'm sad for me.

She has never apologized for that afternoon and I don't expect it. We didn't speak for three years. We have found a path back to being sisters and family. Thank goodness for the adult children living with her that I have had a relationship with which allowed me an easier re-entry into her life. We even had a giggle-conversation when I visited her in the hospital. It was bittersweet.

On that Thanksgiving Day, as we did every year, we stopped by to visit at her house before going to the in-laws for dinner. Because her dinner was earlier in the day, we usually had a bite of whatever wasn't on the menu at the later dinner. We chatted and played ball in the driveway. And, every year, I took a group photo. (I'll never have the group photo for 2006, 2007, or 2008. Maybe I'll have 2009?)

What I didn't know about that day, or the previous 10 years, was that Rhonda wanted me to help out more. She never once asked me to make something or cook or prep. I had no idea this was festering. None. (Side note: I am the youngest of four girls and I really don't know how to cook. I get by but it's not my strong suit.) We sat and had a bite with the family, except for Rhonda. As was her MO at the time, she took a plate and retreated to her bedroom to eat alone.

When we were ready to leave, I went down the hallway to say Goodbye to her. I poked my head in the door and she laid into me. I don't remember the specific curse words but she said I was selfish and lazy and worthless. I was stunned. don-E heard and was coming down the hallway to see what was wrong. My mom heard some but was, I think, at the far end of the hall. I turned and walked away. I didn't let don-E respond as he wanted to.

She didn't know how else to communicate. We didn't have healthy role models growing up. She didn't have the opportunity in her married family for respect and vulnerability. Her way was to retreat/ignore or lash out. I had never been in the flight path before. I was shocked and took it very personally. I could have easily gone back the next week and acted as if nothing happened. That would have been acceptable in my family. But I didn't.

I kept waiting for her to communicate in a way that she wasn't going to, and maybe even couldn't. I worked at a treatment center for 5-1/2 years and went through therapy for myself. "So what I hear you saying is..." I had caring, considerate, and loving family around me. She didn't. She was ridiculed for her thoughts and feelings and things said in moments of vulnerability were used against her later. What I wanted/needed wasn't going to happen.

She was right that I just showed up each Thanksgiving Day and chatted and nibbled and then left for the other family dinner. It was selfish of me. I'm thankful for a long enough life to learn lessons and grow.